Tom Cruise hires bodyguards to fend off evil galactic ruler

Felix R. Auden

Film star Tom Cruise has hired extra bodyguards to protect him from an ancient galactic tyrant, Hollywood sources revealed yesterday.

Cruise is a member of the Church of Scientology, which teaches its followers that, millions of years ago, an evil interstellar ruler called Xenu brought trillions of people to earth and blew them up in volcanoes to solve galactic overcrowding. After this incident, known to scientologists as the “Wall of Fire”, Xenu himself was captured and taken to an undisclosed planet where scientologists believe he is still imprisoned today. The souls of the people he killed linger on and infect all people living now, except scientologists like Tom Cruise who know how to expel them, thus thwarting Xenu’s evil plans.

Tom’s fear of a Xenu attack is said to have arisen after hearing the song, ‘Message from Xenu’, by UK band, The Truth Rockets, which describes how Xenu has escaped from his prison and is on his way to Hollywood in a DC8 to get Tom and his wife, who is also a scientologist. As the most prominent proponent of Scientology, Tom believes that an escaped Xenu would likely come after him personally, possibly using psychiatrists to drug and capture him.

“Ok, maybe it's just a song ... ” Tom is reported to have said, “... but you don't know what I do about psychiatry! If you did you'd know everything's possible. I can't afford to take chances."

The Truth Rockets' song, 'Message from Xenu' can be heard at

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